Low blows.

Right now, I am a coward not a fighter.

i can see right threw your beautiful eyes.

been a while

it has been a while since i posted anything, but i did yesterday so check it out. I am tired and in a bad mood. so i am going to clean now. WOOOOOO.

it's happening again.

Those feelings I once felt.

The beat of my heart, a little bit louder,

The pieces of me falling to the ground.

It's happening again.

That.

"Oh my god, I am going to be sick to my stomach"

That.

Bring me back to yesterday.

That.

Bring back to life again.

It's happening again.

Again,

Again,

Again......

Not again. Not now.

Not ever, once more.

Over and over and over in my head.

This morning I woke from a bad dream, but i never really woke.

at least i will be asleep

Knock me out for the pain, knock me out for the smell, knock me out till it is all better. I won't wake till it's over. I won't sleep till it's gone. Keep me from thinking these thoughts,  fear hate heartache  At least i will be asleep.

best lines in a book ever.... a dollar for how can guess what it is from

before you, my life was like a moonless night.  Very dark, but there were stars-points of light and reason... And then you shot across the my sky like a meteor.  Suddenly everything was on fire; there was a brilliancy, there was beauty.  when you were gone, when the meteor had fallen ovver the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light.  I couldnt see the stars anymore.  And there was no more reason for anything.

New?

A new found sense of self-

meaning

hope

fun

friends

more than friends

family

puppy

life 

love

happiness

I am shoving it in your face, I am. 

I dont find any importance in your life, love and BULLSHIT. Fuck you.

Today is the day

Today is the day that MY life, begins.

No more sulking, no more excuses, no more sadness.

No more looking back, because when you do that you get stuck in the past.

And i am looking forward..... when you do that, you begin living.

to whoever reads this, to whoever is listening

dont let people hold you back, dont even let you hold you back.... 

Push yourself every day. Surround yourself with ONLY those who stay with you or run just a little bit ahead of you to push you.  No one else is worth having in your life. And do the same for others.

Push, and be pushed. 

disappointment...

I am disappointed in myself. 

I am sad.

I am upset.

I don't know what to do, I am at a loss.

How did i know in the back of my mind that this would happen?

And why did i keep telling myself that i wouldnt get upset.

I am going to shut the fuck up now. 

reflecting on my posts from april. 

I dont miss you anymore. Your pictures? no longer hang. Your blog? no longer saved. Your memory? distant. 

I am finally saying it out loud, you are no longer what i want. or what i thought i needed. 

I am finally moving on.

GOALS:

-get creative 

-more yoga. yoga. yoga.

-new bike

-fix bike

-get in shape. 

-stop thinking it's your fault

-sleep

-eat better

-hikes

-rides

-camping

-poems

-reading

-me,me,me.... sorry if that offends.  (but really i am not.)

I am sitting here, alone again.  Feeling lonelier than I have ever felt before.  

I am so tired of waiting around for something big to happen, but I am too afraid to make a move.

Why is it that I am sinking faster and further than I have ever felt before, I don't know how much longer I can take it? 

I am the only one that can make my life go in the direction that I want it to, I am the only one left at the end of the night, only here, with my own thoughts.  So why is it that I cant just stand up for what I want, what i feel like i need and make my move????? Why?????? WHY????? 

I will follow anyone who leads me to you.

I miss you so much.

I miss you more than you will ever understand, why do you think your pictures still hang on my wall?

I miss you more than you will ever understand, why do you think I am being short and distant from you?

I miss you more than you will ever understand, why is that every time I get on this damn thing I wanna read what you wrote. 

I miss you more than you will ever understand, why does no one see me falling deeper?

I miss you more than you will ever understand, why can't we stop this mess?

I miss you more than you will ever understand, I don't even understand... how could you? Or anyone for that matter?

FML.

I can not wait to get out of here at the end of this month, I can not wait to see my best friend of over 8 years.  I can not wait to explore a new city, with new things to do and people to meet. I can not wait.  

ok so that did not work, oh well...

Fresh new start.

Don't lose your dinosaur.

New to blogspot

I am finding more and more that I need to write, so I am writing on here.... Livejournal is pretty dumb right now.... and I would rather that I write on here, so that not as many people read or hear about it. This is for me.  

I will copy some of my lj posts on here, just to keep my thoughts.